I decided this whole blog will be a confession. Just felt like sharing the inner thoughts of my mind and lay it all out on the table. I've never been the one to hide things. If it's on my mind, I'll tell you. If you ask a question, I'll answer it. Completely honest. Why? Because I can't expect my friends, family, future husband, teachers, future boss.. to really know who I am as a person, if I'm not being myself 100% of the time. I could meet a person tomorrow that could play a huge part in my life and I want them to see me, not someone I'm pretending to be. So here we go..
It's officially crunch time to get ready for bikini weather. Me and the girls have been hitting the gym hard everyday. Anything from abs class, to kickboxing, to learning how to salsa and hip hop dance with some pretty crazy awesome teachers. I've never been so determined to get in shape. After I got hurt 6 years ago, I've never been able to get back to my swimming shape. Not because I haven't tried, but because of the pain. As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm in a brutal amount of pain. My shoulders can't handle what I've been putting them through and It's only been 2 weeks. I have 4 more months of this before summer. I could feel my shoulder popping out of place and I was just praying it wouldn't come back on a tendon and lose feeling in my arm again. Do I stop though? Nope. I don't need anyone telling me to stop, or be careful, because I'm going to do this no matter what. I've lived in pain for 9 years now and I would rather be happy and deal with it, than sit in a corner and not enjoy my life. I'm going to get back to how I looked when I swam everyday, so bring on the pain.
The first few days of this week, I've been non stop thinking about my future. Because I transferred and lost a lot of hours, I'm technically not supposed to graduate until December 2012. Well after a very interesting meeting with my advisor, I'm going to graduate May 2012, like I had originally planned. Now you'd think It wouldn't be that big of a deal just squeezing a few classes into my last two semesters. But I'm already taking 18 hours each semester and having to fit 18 hours into 2 semesters and a summer when I'm only allowed to take 9 hours during the summer. Just like working out, I'm completely determined to do this. I'm sure people wonder what's the rush, but I'm ready to move on with my life.
My mind has been in a completely different place lately. Do you ever feel like you are standing in a crowd of people holding up a sign saying, "Pick Me"? Whether it be for a job, a relationship, or a game of kickball. I know if something is meant to happen it will. But life is about trying. It's about risking and taking chances. I don't want to stand here with a sign. I don't want to be an option. I'm not a back up plan and definitely not a second choice. Yes there are roadblocks, but there is always another street to get to your destination. I don't always want to be chasing, sometimes I just want to be chased. Pursued. Don't look at the negatives. Because if there is something you really want, the positives will always win. And believe me.. the positives are worth it.
I know you aren't blind. I know you aren't stupid. You're smart. You're incredibly smart. You're kind and honest and funny. You have such a bright future. You know who you are and you aren't afraid to be yourself. You have everything going for you. There's only one thing you are missing...
I know how to play it cool. I know how to stay completely calm and straight faced even though my insides are freaking out and my chest is tightening up. I know how to wait for the right moment. So i'll wait for it. But not forever.
Confession 2.0- "I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here...Leave me with some kinda of proof it's not a dream."
Quote- (one of my absolute favorites) "Pursuit is the proof of your desire. You will never possess what you are unwilling to pursue."