Detox

     Last night I sat down with my roommates for family talk time. There has been so much going on in our lives, that we haven't had time to really fill each other in. As we were at the table, I had to make a list of everything I needed to tell them, because so much has happened lately. I began telling them what the last few weeks of my life has been like and slowly I started realizing that every random story I told was somehow intertwined with each other. Most of my stories didn't come with happy endings, so it became clear that something in my life needed readjusting. 

I have nothing to give but my honesty. That's the only thing I have when people would kill to see you hurt for just a few seconds longer. I was unaware that those few seconds would end up lasting a few years. I had become a prisoner in my own mind. I was trapped by the lies people created about me, just so they had someone to blame for THEIR mistakes. I'm a fighter. I'll fight for what I think is right, but when you fight for too long, it drains you of the only thing you have. Yourself. Somewhere along the road, I lost myself to the demons that were constantly knocking at my door. I was locked inside giving each and every one of them all the power. Then something happened. 

This is the part of the story where the princess gets saved & lives happily ever after... but no. Actually, I got hurt again. I dare say worse than ever. As i found myself on my knees trying to pick up the pieces that I had lost once again, life suddenly became a lot more clear. I was so hurt and angry that all I wanted to do was cry. I vividly remember sitting in my car, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles, trying to cry. I was saying out loud, "Just cry! Come on!" I couldn't. I didn't have a single tear left to cry over a hurt heart. So instead of picking up the pieces.. I threw them away & brushed the past off my hands. 

What God has coming in the next few chapters of my life far surpasses anything I could ever imagine. I've settled for mediocre for far too long. God's idea of perfect for my life completely dominates what I "thought" was perfect. So right now, I'm detoxifying every negative aspect that is or once was from my life. I'm not just throwing it all away. I'm burning it. Because that was yesterday, and I'm not longer than person anymore. I'm better.

I don't know where my life is going, but I do know it's going somewhere incredible. All of my wildest dreams are going to come true and not ONE of them will involve you.. or you.. or you.

Take Risks & Tell Stories

Little Girl All Grown Up

     If you asked my parents whether I'm a momma's girl or a daddy's girl.. They would probably say neither. I know they would say it's because I'm too independent for my own good. Even though I think I can take on the world by myself, there is so much i learned from them that makes me who I am today and that gives me the ability to be so confident in my future.
     My dad is the hardest working person I know. He has earned every blessing that he has been given. I appreciate him more than he will ever know. My dad rarely says no to me, unless I'm asking for something ridiculous.. or another puppy, and it isn't because he wants to spoil me. My dad just gives and gives. That's the man he is. People ask me why I never say no.. If you ask me to do you a million and one favors.. I'll probably do them all. I love how random acts of kindness can put a smile on someone's face or bring joy to their life. I'm so proud that I have that character trait from my dad.
     My mom.. oh geez.. my mom. Well, I thank God everyday that my mom is all mine. We've had such a strained relationship in the past & I'm so glad that's no longer the case. I couldn't live without my mom. She has put up with so much of my "lack of respect". We are both stronger people for it. Having her support and encouragement means more than she'll ever know.
     I've never been a girly girl. In fact, I rarely wore my hair down until the 9th grade. I played sports. I grew up with an older brother (who I sometimes thought really wished I would have been a boy). I had practice before and after school everyday for years. Boys were cute, but winning races were more important. I wouldn't have wanted anything different though. I like that I can throw a football as well as the boys. I like that I enjoy watching ESPN and actually know who most athletes are. I'd rather watch the game then go shopping. Don't get me wrong.. I love dressing up, doing my hair, and going out with the girls. I love cuddling and playing with puppies. I cry at some sappy romantic movies and actually quite enjoyed the Twilight books, but all these random quirks are what make me, me.
     Now that I'm a senior in college, what people think of me really doesn't matter. I wear nike shorts or jeans and t-shirts to class almost everyday, my hair is usually up, because who wants to look cute when you have to leave your house at 7:30 am? I'm so happy for every relationship that affected me in a positive OR negative way, because I'm right where I should be. This past year has been pretty life changing. I'm finally better instead of bitter. I'm at that point where I want to thank all the people that hurt me, because it got me to where I am today. Isn't it funny how some people smile at your failures? People are so insecure with themselves, that they don't want to see you succeed. Well to those people.. I'm succeeding and this is just the beginning. I'm just a little girl that's all grown up ready to change the world and I don't plan on stopping till I do.

Cookie Cutter

Oh ya know.. Just random thoughts. Nothing special.. Here we go..
     For so much of my life, I've tried to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I've picked out different pieces from people's style, personality, attitude and tried to piece all the parts of who I want to be together. I didn't do it for myself, I did it for everyone else. I was so consumed by what people thought of me. I was a people pleaser. Depending on who I was around, my look and personality would change. I wanted to fit in so badly.
     When I was 17, I went through a transition where everyone I was around was a cookie cutter image of each other. When I came along, I stood out like a sore thumb. I was just being me, but that wasn't accepted by anyone. It almost felt like it was discouraged to be original. I was sick of people talking trash, so I conformed. Cookie cutter. That lasted for over 3 years until I was finally "forced out" of that crowd, I guess you could say, and decided changes needed to be made. So I packed up and moved away from everything I had known for 20 years. Best. Decision. Ever. I finally got back to being myself.

Today, I was getting dressed and couldn't help but think about what makes me me. It's seriously hilarious to me that I used to care so much about what people thought, because it's very apparent now that, it's the last thing on my mind. So what makes me me..?

- My closet consists of V-necks, workout attire, tons of dresses, jeans & cardigans.. that's pretty much it.
- I know how to dress up and look cute, but most of the time you'll find me in shorts & a baseball hat.
- I really like watching sports. I grew up around guys & playing sports, so there was no time to play with dolls.. That's probably why I am the way I am. I'm proud of it.
- I have a hard exterior that I rarely let people break through, but if and when they do.. They would see I'm one of the most caring & soft people.
- I actually somewhat enjoy long distance relationships. I love the feeling of seeing someone for the first time in a long time, and having to rely on phone calls & skype to keep the love alive.. romantic.
- I'm not a people pleaser (anymore) but I thrive off making people smile & laugh.
- I only cry when I'm REALLY frustrated or when certain movies get to me.. even then.. I HATE for people to see me cry. I don't like people seeing me weak.
- I don't want to be in a relationship for kicks. If I'm going to be with someone, It's going to be for the long haul.
- I can compromise & be patient for someone who's worth it.
- I want to move. I really don't even care that much about where I move. I'm always up for anything. Easy to please.
- Passion & Spontaneity pretty much define me. If there is something in life that I want, I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. And be the best at it.
- I've been jealous of girl's shoes and their hair, but I've only ever been jealous of one girl. She's so legit it pains me. Jelly..
- I'm sarcastic like a boss. I get it from my brother.
- Speaking of my brother.. He's the one person that means more than anything to me. If a guy wants to know the way to my heart.. Be friends with my brother. & have him legit like you.
- I'm pretty witty, but most of the time.. I just enjoy laughing. If you can make me laugh.. you have my heart.
     It sounds cheesy, but If you ever feel like you don't know who you are anymore. Make a list and don't forget about all the different attributes and qualities that make you unique. No one can replace you. My friends love me because I'm unique.. If there is ever someone who doesn't fully love you for you.. Don't. Waste. Your. Time. They aren't worth it.

And that my friends is another blog post. Boom.