Monday, May 16, 2011

Two Points Higher

It's very possible this could be my most personal blog post. I wrote it a month ago today and just stared at the words for the longest time. I finally decided to post it...
I seem to always be criticizing myself. I know that stems from a few different reasons. Always needing to please my parents, having people tell me I wasn’t good enough, and wanting to be the best in swimming and in school, but I didn't realize how much I criticize myself until a friend asked me the other day why I couldn’t take a compliment. That question has been floating around in my mind for the past month. Maybe I can’t take a compliment because I always feel like I’m not the best I could be? But I get that unsettled feeling every single time someone compliments me. It’s hard for me to even say thank you, because by saying thank you I’m accepting the compliment, and I rarely believe the nice things people say about me.

The truth is. I love myself. There will always be a few things I’ll want to improve on, but my own issues of not feeling good enough should not affect who I actually am as a person. I guess some people would think I have two different personalities. One, that is insecure and one that is overly confident. I think my confidence comes from trying to tell myself I belong, and I’m just as good as the person standing next to me. I know sometimes it comes off cocky. I just haven't been able to find that happy medium yet.

I constantly find myself standing in front of a mirror. (I’m a girl obviously, so this isn’t weird) But, I’m not necessarily staring at my outward appearance. I’m just staring at myself. Questioning what I need to fix, or what I could do better. It doesn't help that so many guys put way too much emphasis on a girl's outward appearance. I'm confident, but I'm not unrealistic.. I'm pretty, but I'm not Heidi Klum. I'm perfectly okay with that. Looks fade. I'd rather wake up next to someone who makes me laugh and who I always have the best time with, rather than be with someone that's a supermodel but dumb as a rock.  My confidence has definitely improved this year. Putting myself out there, telling people exactly what I have wanted to say for so long, meeting new people, dancing with random strangers.. stepping out of the corner and letting my personality shine through. In all reality, I have no reason not to take a compliment. What I’ve learned over this past year, is how confident I really am, just being by myself. I’m not average at all. Call it cocky, call it whatever you want.. but EVERY single person evaluates their good and bad qualities.. I just happen to do it where everyone can read it. 

 I’m an awesome person. I have a list of dreams a mile long, loads of potential, a loud laugh that goes on forever, a positive attitude, the best family and friends a girl could have, and a smile that is always on my face. I’m quirky. I’m super witty, always making people laugh, I never give up on something I truly want. I always speak my mind and tell the truth. A heart that is as big as the ocean, ears that are always there to listen, a voice that is always willing to give advice, a little bit of charm in my blue eyes, always putting others first.. I don’t need a guy to be the girl I already am. In fact, one day, someone will come along and appreciate every little detail about me. And when he finds me, I’ll be glad I actually know WHO I am. God has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. I know He is going to continue blessing me. I wish everyone that reads this would take a step back and evaluate their confidence. Everyone has amazing qualities. Don’t criticize the beautiful things that make you, you. Embrace them.

Quote:: "Life doesn't give you the people you want. It gives you the people you need. To help you. To hurt you. To love you. And to make you into the person you were meant to be."
Confession:: You were never supposed to mean this much.. Just something about you.. can't quite figure it out.