Monday, March 28, 2011

Left or Right?

This past weekend, I had a lot on my mind. Every time I have a lot on my mind, I wait till it becomes pitch black outside and go take a long drive. I have to concentrate on driving so it helps my mind not focus on the issues as much. I love to go out in the country where there is barely any light. It usually scares me out of my mind being alone in the dark but I think that’s why I like it. Sunday night, I literally drove till the road ran out. I was listening to this song repeatedly that gets to me every time I hear it.((song))
I was frustrated and confused yet still so happy with the direction my life was going in, so I drove and drove till I realized I was in the middle of nowhere. Now I got kind of scared so the first thing I did was lock my doors and tell myself God was protecting me. Haha. As I drove further down the road I came to a dead end where I saw this sign.
 I came to a stop and sat there for a few minutes and watched my lights shine on the sign. Did I want to go left or right? The road was to narrow to turn around and frankly I didn’t really want to. I turned off the car,  unlocked my door, got out, and walked around to the front of my car. I just starred at the sign. I started thinking about the current circumstances in my life. Do I want to turn left.. or right? Say yes or no? Try or not try? Risk or don't risk?
 I can’t turn back and I honestly don’t want to. There is a reason it’s called your past. Those people and circumstances aren’t a part of your present for a reason. That’s not to say those people or things won’t make an appearance in your future, but if a bad experience or bad relationship was in your past, why would you want that in your future when you can have so much better? I want to keep moving.   
 I started to get cold, but I was legitimately unsure what direction to go. I could run into a mass murderer if I turned left, or have car trouble if I turned right or I could get killed by a car coming because I'm standing in the dark. ((I watch too many movies haha))  But, then again, I could miss out on something or someone incredible if I’m afraid of the bumps in the road on which ever path I take. I said a little prayer asking for guidance and I got back in my car and turned left. It lead me to a main road and I got back to the city. I felt so much peace after that. What’s life without trying or risking or exploring? I’ve decided to take the risk, trust myself, and trust God with my next steps. 
Everything in my life is better than great. I'm so happy with the people that God has placed in my life. If you have tough decisions to make, don't be scared of which path to take. God doesn't always give us the ability to make the right decision, but he does give us the ability to take the decisions we've made, and make them right. So no matter what you decide, you can also decide to make it right. It's all going to work out.

Quote: "If love is not worth waiting for, it's not worth having."
Random Fact: My 21st birthday is in 21 days!!!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Because Of You

Look back on your life and think of the defining moments. Think about the times where people's words and actions had an affect on you. Think about the people that made those moments happen. Whether good or bad. Do those people know that they were the reason you had that life changing moment? These are a few of those moments…

The first time someone told me to stop fake smiling and show teeth in pictures because I had a beautiful smile… I remember it vividly.. and from that day I have ALWAYS showed teeth when I smile in pictures. This person most likely doesn’t remember this, but it gave me confidence and it meant SO much to me.
The first time I quit caring what people thought of me. I was walking up the stairs and fell hardcore on the concrete and while I was a mess and bleeding.. a guy walked up, laughed at me and asked if I was okay. Normally I would have become so anxious and embarrassed and run away.. haha.. but I just laughed and got up. Him laughing at and with me showed me that I don’t have to try and be perfect for other people. I can just be my clumsy self.. I have the scar to prove it.

The first time I knew I deserved better than how I was being treated. This person showed me what it was like to be cared for. They showed me I was worthy of having the absolute best in my life.. and all they did was hang out with me for a few hours. I will never forget those few hours. Ever since then I refuse to settle.

The first time a guy proved to me that not everyone’s the same. I honestly thought every single guy would hurt me. That no matter what, no one would just accept me for me... and then one smile and a friendly conversation proved to me that I was wrong. He has no idea. :) Maybe one day I'll tell him..

The first time someone told me they looked up to me. I was at one of my lowest of lows.. trying to find myself. Confused to whether I was even a good person. Then one day, someone told me they looked up to me, and it made me feel like I could be better not only for myself, but to set a good example for others.
The first time someone told me I wasn’t funny.. and meant it. (Yah, it sounds stupid) But I lost myself that day. I’m a funny person. I love to laugh.. and it felt like my best quality was stepped on. Then.. someone came along and told me that I keep them smiling and laughing even when they are having the worst day ever and to not ever change. Now I’m me again.
The first time I really felt God. I look back on that moment and all the God moments since and know he is there for me no matter what.

I am one of the most blunt people alive. I don’t want to go through life regretting words I wish I would have said, but for some reason.. I have a hard time telling a few people how important they are to me and how their words have had such an impact on me. I hope to one day tell some of these people they were a part of huge moments in my life that changed me forever. Remember those moments in your life, because they are the things that make you who you are today.
Confession: It's almost 11pm and I have yet to start studying for my test tomorrow.. Am I procrastinating? Why yes.. I am.. Am i worried about my test? Not at all.. 
Quote: "The only people who can truly know your story are the ones who helped you write it."

Monday, March 21, 2011

Bella Vita

I’ve sat at my laptop almost everyday trying to find something to blog about, but I don’t want to just write about “something”.  Tonight, I’m finally writing again. I’m kind of jumping around with jumbled thoughts so bare with me..

My way of thinking has changed drastically over the past few months. I tend to live in the future because I have so many goals that I want to accomplish. I plan my life and sometimes forget to just live in the moment. Lately though, people have been showing me how beautiful life really is. It’s weird how someone can walk into your life one day, and make you realize so much about yourself. It’s always the least expected person also. Can I just say.. I love being that girl who people are a little unsure about. I don’t want to be average. Some people question me for being 100% me.. instead of being thankful I’m not like most girls who are 100% fake. I might not be everyone’s cup of tea.. and I’m okay with that. Not cocky, just confident. I’d rather be confident about myself then always worry what people thought of me.

I’m going to be real.. I’ve always been that girl that has “needed” a guy. That’s probably why I spent my entire teenage life being in a relationship. Last year, I fought for what I thought was something I needed. In all reality.. what I needed was to stand on my own two feet for once. I’ve spent the past year doing that. I’ve grown up. I didn’t need a guy to be happy. Unfortunately, I’ve let myself become a little hard to the idea of “love”. Why? Probably because the only romantic love I’ve known has walked away. It becomes so hard to want that, when I’m SO happy with how my life is without that person. I could be setting myself up to be alone, but for some reason I’m okay with that… Never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I don’t want this love that fades.. I’ve had that. If I’m going to let 

someone in.. I’m going to need them to step up and be a man. Life is too short to be with someone that plays with my heart.. I want to find someone that deserves it. I think that person is probably out there.. whether i've already met them or won't meet them for 10 years, I know i won't be settling. Because honestly.. at this moment.. I could settle down.. but i refuse to settle. So until that day.. life is wonderful.

Let me say this.. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. There was a time in my life where I wasn’t even sure how to smile anymore. I thought life was completely pointless and I was wasting my time being happy. Now.. I wake up every morning with the biggest smile on my face. …. …. …. … I’m happy. I always thought there would be something or someone keeping me from truly being happy with my life, but it’s the exact opposite. It’s the people in my life right at this

moment that are the reasons for my happiness. Don't let a second go by without telling someone truly important to your life how much they mean to you.. It doesn't matter if you have known them for 5 days or for 5 years. It's the way you feel when you are around then that matters. It's the joy they bring to your life that counts.

Quote: "In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different."
Confession: You are different.. and I'm afraid of you.. and the idea of you.. but for some reason that makes everything so much more exciting.