Monday, January 31, 2011


     I love driving back and forth from Stillwater. It gives me an hour to turn the music up really loud, sing my lungs out, and try and process all the thoughts swimming around in my head. As I get closer to my destination, I almost wish the drive were longer. There’s always that one thought I can’t shake, and I just need more driving time to maybe come up with the answer. The question to that answer is “How?” and if I could figure that out, the next question would be, “When?” It’s funny how just one word can make you want to blow your brains out. One positive to this thought is every time I think about it.. I catch myself smiling. Not that smiling where it’s in your head and you have a slight grin on your face. No. A full on smile.. with teeth showing. That’s a big deal. In fact, my teachers are starting to notice. They glance over and see that I’m smiling really big and I’m sure they wonder what’s going on in my head.
     Tonight when I got home, I dropped my bags and sat on my bed. As I sat there all alone and in complete silence, I couldn’t help but wonder how much of my thoughts were wishful thinking or maybe.. just maybe a possibility. Anybody that knows me, knows I’m a dreamer. I’m sure some of my friends wish I would come back to reality and stay there for a while. But, where’s the fun in that? Where’s the fun in being realistic with the things you want the most? I like to believe that anything can happen because it gives me hope. I might not be the most realistic person you’ve ever meet, but I’m definitely the most hopeful. And that’s a trait I will always keep. It keeps my life fun and interesting and spontaneous.
     I watched a few episodes of one of my favorite shows tonight. Not only is it one of my favorites, but it also has a few memories attached to it. As I started watching it, the funniest part came on. I started hysterically laughing out loud by myself for a good 2 minutes.. non stop. I turned to say something and realized I was alone. It was bittersweet. You weren’t there to laugh with me. For some random reason, I realized right then and there the answers to “how” and “when”.  The only problem is.. I’m not the one that can answer them. I know I’m not the only one that this happens to. Everyone has questions that only someone else can answer. It kind of sucks, but that’s why we have the word “Patience”. I'm going to need you to answer though questions one day though.. just sayin
     Have you ever thought about taking your last breath? I know that sounds morbid. I have never had anyone close to me die. I’m very fortunate. My parents have both had someone very close to them die and I can’t even imagine the pain. Both sets of my grandparents are still alive, which is rare these days. As I’m writing this, I have the biggest weight on my heart. Literally.. It’s kind of hard to breathe as I’m talking about taking your last breath. I found out recently my grandpa is dying. When I found out, I was mad at myself. I was mad that I haven’t spent enough time with him. When I think about it, I just sit and cry. It makes me sad, but it breaks my heart knowing that my dad has lost his dad and his step dad is dying. And my grandma is losing her second husband. I’m very good at hiding my true emotions, but I’m not prepared for this. I’m praying for a miracle.
     People always ask me why I’m rushing my life. The truth is.. I want to experience as much as possible before I die. I’ve spent enough years in school. I’m ready to be done. Have a job. Live completely on my own. Get married. Have kids. Travel. Spend too much money on something I love. Some say, “The real world is not all it’s cracked up to be.” But those people aren’t dreamers. Those people don’t find joy in the storm like I do. I know I’m almost 21 and to some people that seems awfully young to start rushing everything.. but I’m not promised tomorrow. I want to take a chance on life and love. And I want someone to take a chance on me. One day someone will find my passion for life so beautiful.. and right then and there they’ll realize they can’t go one more second without me next to them. It’s the people in your life that makes everything worthwhile. So stop looking. Sometimes the people you can’t live without are the people right under your nose that you take for granted. Life is too short to look for something you already have.

Confession- I think I'll change my summer plans.. stay tuned to find out what city I end up in.
Quote- "This is your life. Do what you love and do it often. If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching tv. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop. They will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over analyzing. Life is simple. All emotions are beautiful when you eat. Appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people. We are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often, getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them. So go out and start creating. Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion."

Monday, January 24, 2011


Let me start off saying.. Epic. Weekend. Had the best time with friends the past few days. Few word answers to describe it..? Workout. Birthday Party. Dancing. 1 Mile. Music. Naked. 4 am. Aspen Coffee. Barefoot. Pictures. Amazing friends. To end my epic weekend, I figured i needed an epic blog post..

I have been in such a good mood lately. My petition to take excessive hours went through! I lost 4 pounds! i haven't skipped a single class! haha. It's just been a good week. I was driving to a friends house late the other night and the song Firework came on.. Now, I'm a loud singer in the car kinda girl. I really don't care that people stare at me. I'll most likely never see them again. Plus it is so much fun! So I turn it up and start belting out "Baby, you're a firework!" And the beat gets so good. So what do I do? Start fist pumping of course! The guy at the stoplight was laughing at me, but I could tell he was just jealous.

This weekend all the girls and I were sittin around having girl talk. We were talking about people that are getting married, and that slowly turned into talking about weddings, proposals, and the music we want as we're walking down the aisle. I instantly thought of this video I had seen. Now hear me out.. I'm not a cryer. I mean.. sometimes a certain movie will get me the first time I see it.. but other than that I'm pretty good about holding it in. UNTIL i saw this video. I have seen this video probably 7 times and I cry every time I watch it. WATCH THIS then read on--->  Two Pease in a Pod
Boys-- you wont cry. you'll think it's dumb. Girls-- grab your tissues. Now, let me explain why I cry when I watch this.. Most every girl, whether she wants to admit it or not, thinks about finding that one person to spend the rest of your life with on a regular basis. I'll admit it.. I do. I don't think about the wedding, or the honeymoon, or even the ring.. I think about standing in front of my man, looking in his eyes and realizing I am about to go on the best adventure of my life with my best friend. I think about watching football on the couch, dancing around, laughing during movies, cuddling, traveling to random places, having water gun fights, laying under the stars together, playing with our dogs, and most of all getting to sit across from each other every morning with a bowl of lucky charms and talk about life. Watching this video makes me hopeful. You can feel the happiness and love this couple share and it's beautiful. One day, I'll have that. One day, someone will pursue me and show me that all I had to do was wait for the perfect timing. As Katy Perry says.. "I finally found you. My missing puzzle piece. I'm complete."  Perfect Timing Song. <-- great song to listen to regarding this part of the post.

After talking to one of my best friends till 4 am the other night, I started realizing a lot about myself regarding relationships. Both serious relationships I have been it, just kinda happened. There was no "dating" period. I realized I liked them and would go after them. My friend helped me realize that since I've never been pursued, It's natural for me to think I'm supposed to chase after a guy. Even though I might see how perfect we would be, and how badly I wish he would give us a chance. That's not my call. So when he sees what he is missing, then I guess he will chase me. To all my friends that this applies to, I know a lot of us have been dealing with this lately.. Just remember if a guy (no matter how perfect he is) isn't going to chase you then you can do better. 

So at 3 am last night I was in a friend's bed... wait let me correct that.. I was in the World's. Most. Comfortable. Bed. last night watching Season 6 Finale of Grey's Anatomy. It was intense, but the main character said something so profound and simple that I just had to write about it. "Human life is made up of choices. To live or to die is the important choice." Although they were talking more literal, I couldn't help but think about that saying. We waste so much time doing absolutely nothing with our lives. We wait for the perfect moment, and then watch it go out the window because we're too scared. I want to live. like REALLY live. I want to get to the end of my life and know that I took chances and never was too scared to experience something incredible.

Quote- "Don't let the imaginary person in your head keep you from loving the real one right in front of you."
Confession- The fact that everyone except you knows.. make me laugh. oh boy if only you knew..
Song of the day- Teenage Dream- Katy Perry "My heart stops when you look at me. Just one touch now baby I believe. This is real, so take a chance and don't ever look back."

Friday, January 21, 2011


     I decided this whole blog will be a confession. Just felt like sharing the inner thoughts of my mind and lay it all out on the table. I've never been the one to hide things. If it's on my mind, I'll tell you. If you ask a question, I'll answer it. Completely honest. Why? Because I can't expect my friends, family, future husband, teachers, future boss.. to really know who I am as a person, if I'm not being myself 100% of the time. I could meet a person tomorrow that could play a huge part in my life and I want them to see me, not someone I'm pretending to be. So here we go..

     It's officially crunch time to get ready for bikini weather. Me and the girls have been hitting the gym hard everyday. Anything from abs class, to kickboxing, to learning how to salsa and hip hop dance with some pretty crazy awesome teachers. I've never been so determined to get in shape. After I got hurt 6 years ago, I've never been able to get back to my swimming shape. Not because I haven't tried, but because of the pain. As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm in a brutal amount of pain. My shoulders can't handle what I've been putting them through and It's only been 2 weeks. I have 4 more months of this before summer. I could feel my shoulder popping out of place and I was just praying it wouldn't come back on a tendon and lose feeling in my arm again. Do I stop though? Nope. I don't need anyone telling me to stop, or be careful, because I'm going to do this no matter what. I've lived in pain for 9 years now and I would rather be happy and deal with it, than sit in a corner and not enjoy my life. I'm going to get back to how I looked when I swam everyday, so bring on the pain.

     The first few days of this week, I've been non stop thinking about my future. Because I transferred and lost a lot of hours, I'm technically not supposed to graduate until December 2012. Well after a very interesting meeting with my advisor, I'm going to graduate May 2012, like I had originally planned. Now you'd think It wouldn't be that big of a deal just squeezing a few classes into my last two semesters. But I'm already taking 18 hours each semester and having to fit 18 hours into 2 semesters and a summer when I'm only allowed to take 9 hours during the summer. Just like working out, I'm completely determined to do this. I'm sure people wonder what's the rush, but I'm ready to move on with my life.

     My mind has been in a completely different place lately. Do you ever feel like you are standing in a crowd of people holding up a sign saying, "Pick Me"? Whether it be for a job, a relationship, or a game of kickball. I know if something is meant to happen it will. But life is about trying. It's about risking and taking chances. I don't want to stand here with a sign. I don't want to be an option. I'm not a back up plan and definitely not a second choice. Yes there are roadblocks, but there is always another street to get to your destination. I don't always want to be chasing, sometimes I just want to be chased. Pursued. Don't look at the negatives. Because if there is something you really want, the positives will always win. And believe me.. the positives are worth it.

     I know you aren't blind. I know you aren't stupid. You're smart. You're incredibly smart. You're kind and honest and funny. You have such a bright future. You know who you are and you aren't afraid to be yourself. You have everything going for you. There's only one thing you are missing...

     I know how to play it cool. I know how to stay completely calm and straight faced even though my insides are freaking out and my chest is tightening up. I know how to wait for the right moment.           So i'll wait for it.                                   But not forever.
Confession 2.0- "I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here...Leave me with some kinda of proof it's not a dream."
Quote- (one of my absolute favorites) "Pursuit is the proof of your desire. You will never possess what you are unwilling to pursue."

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Love Don't Cost A Thing.

I went and saw Country Strong tonight. It was one of those movies that you really feel for the characters. You feel their hurt and their joy.  There’s this scene where Kelly (Gwyneth Paltrow) is talking to Chiles (Leighton Meester) about the music business. Kelly is listing off all this advice that Chiles should know before she makes it big. Always wear high heels, never wear satin on stage, get a good publicist, never hide anything from yours fans… and the last thing she says is don’t be afraid to fall in love. She tells Chiles it’s the only thing important in life.
As soon as she said it, I already knew what I wanted to blog about. When you actually stop and think about your life. What’s really important? Yah money is important and vital to eat and provide for yourself, and yes a job is important in order to make that money. I'm huge on your passions and dreams, they are out of control important..  But come on.. What about having someone to share it with? When you get a raise or a new car, or win a poker game with the guys, or buy awesome new shoes, or meet a celebrity, or watch an awesome football game or finally bake the perfect funfetti cake that doesn’t stick to the bottom.. Don’t you want to have someone to share those moments with? I know I do. I know I want to have that someone that gets so excited with me when I tell him I finished my book. That person I can call and laugh about how I got the funny bruise on my leg. Or how I can barely sit up because my abs hurt from the classes at the gym. That someone that will look me in the eyes and know I’m better than all the rest.
I’m a very observant person. A lot of the time I’ll just be sitting in class or at a restaurant and watch how people interact with each other. It blows my mind to see a girl and a boy fight against their affection for each other. They are in that awkward “I really like him, but I don’t want him to know” stage. That’s dumb and a waste of time. You only have 90 or so years to live.. do you really want to look back on your life and regret spending all those life changing moments alone? I’m sure a lot of this talk is coming from the fact I’m invited to 9 weddings so far this year, and the idea of spending your life with someone has been swimming around in my head lately.
I hope everyone takes a chance on love. Whether it’s right under your nose or 3000 miles away. Because sometimes the most random people that walk into your life are the ones that aren’t meant to be random at all.  I’m sure 10 different excuses just popped into your head. “I’m scared.” “We’re too far apart.” “There aren’t any good ones around.” “We’re too different.” “I like my freedom.” I’m sure a lot of people just haven’t found the right one. But I also know people that have found a perfect match, but weren’t willing to take a chance. How can you know, unless you try? And boys and girls.. it's one thing not to compromise, but it's a completely different thing to turn people away because you don't think they are "good enough." Give people a chance.. they'll surprise you.
I bought the Country Strong soundtrack tonight and there is this song called “Timing is Everything.” There’s this part that goes like this.. “I could've been another minute late. You never would've crossed my path that day. When it seems true love is hard to find. That's when love comes along just in time. You can call it fate or destiny. Timing is everything.”—Just make sure you don’t miss out on opportunities like that to find that special someone to live life with.

Quote: “I don’t know where I’m going, all I know is I want you there next to me.”
Confession: I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.

Books, Semi Trucks, Friends & Fortune Cookies

     On my way home to BA yesterday, I was chasing daylight. I didn't really want to drive in the dark, so I was going pretty fast. I'm not sure if it was my excitement that was speeding up my driving, or the music I was listening to, but either way.. I made it home in record time. I was about 20 minutes away from home and It had gotten pretty dark. I was singing really loud just minding my own business.. I came upon a Semi truck and got in the other lane to pass him. (Semis and Darkness are not a good combination.) Mr. Semi didn't see me and started to change lanes. There was a moment where i thought my life was over, but then some awkward singing voice scream came out of my mouth. (Insert mental picture here) I swerved, slowed down, made close friends with the grass in the ditch, and kept driving. Never did it cross my mind to honk the horn. 
     In the past week every time I got together with friends to catch up on life, they would ask me how the craziest things happen to me. I really have no idea.. sometimes it's just out of control but at least my life never gets boring and i always have a story to tell. Last night I was able to spend time with some of my really close friends and catch up on their lives. I told a friend about a recent life experience I had, and the whole time she just looked at me slightly puzzled with a grin on her face just completely shocked at how I come in contact with such crazy situations. The rest of the night I spent wondering about that specific experience. Thinking about how crazy it actually was. When I got home, I knew exactly the next words I wanted to write in my book.
    For 5 months I have stared at the 10th page of my book wondering why I felt so confused about the next words to type. Last night, I couldn't stop. It was like a drug.. I would put my laptop down and pick it back up and type some more. It feels good to finally have direction for this book. Just one step closer to crossing this off my list. 
   Lately, I've been struggling with patience. Wednesday night, my mind would not stop racing. I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted certain situations to happen. I kept telling myself that I needed to have patience if it was something I really wanted.  Then I got this fortune cookie.. 
Patience is a key to joy.
It really made me think. I mean it's true. Instead of trying to rush things, I just need to have patience, because eventually everything will come together. The things I want are worth the time and patience.. so for now I'm just carrying around this fortune inside my phone cover, frequently looking at it reminding myself that eventually the timing will be right.
Quote: "In ten years, you'll be more regretful of the things you failed to do than the things you did do. So throw away the fears of life and face the risks and discover what it truly feels like to live and love."
Confession: "I'm not perfect. I have flaws. I'm impatient sometimes and a little stubborn, but you are crazy if you let this opportunity pass you by. Because along with my flaws comes a lot of laughter. A ton of spontaneous adventures and most of all, more love than you can imagine."

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Thoughts & Lyrics.

I love listening to music. I pretty much always have it playing. I love how you can relate to any song even if it's only one line of the song. Tonight I bought some random music that has been playing a lot lately and I heard a bunch of it on my Arizona trip over and over.. and over. So i decided to take lines from each song and write about it.

1. Firework-- "Cause baby you're a firework. Come on show em what your worth."
* A lot of people underestimate me. Which is not okay. I'm a very passionate, strong, ambitious person. I'm unique and fun and love to laugh. I'm worth taking a chance on. I'm going to go very far in life, and i can't wait to show all the haters what I'm worth. 
2. Forget you-- "Forget you"
* Just the title alone describes how I've felt for several months now. I'm better than that. 
3. A Year Without Rain-- "I'm missin you so much. Can't help it."
* I. MISS. YOU. end of story.
4. Halo-- "Pray it won't fade away."
* Once you find something amazing.. all you can do is pray you won't lose it.
5. Live Your Life-- "Just live your life, No tellin where it'll take ya."
* I'm just living my life the best way I know how to, and at this moment in time.. It's taking me to some really great places with some awesome people. You don't want to miss out on where I'm going. 
6. Marry You- "Don't say no, just say yeah, and we'll go, if you're ready.. like i'm ready."
* Every second you live questioning things is one second you will never get back when you could have just jumped in and trusted your gut. Give people a chance. Give me a chance.. I won't disappoint. Promise.
7. Raise Your Glass-- "Don't be fancy, just get dancey.. Why so serious?"
* I love to have fun and be myself. I can't stand when people try and make me this uptight, quiet girl. That's not me. Sometimes fancy is fun.. but gettin dancey is better! Life is crazy.. don't be so serious. 
8. Dirty Bit- "Cause I'm havin a good time! With you!"
* I wish i could explain how much fun I have with you, it's awesome and I don't want it to stop.
9. DJ Got Us Fallin In Love-- "So dance, dance, like it's the last, last night of your life."
* Don't waste time. Dance, sing, play, fight, smile, laugh, fall in love.. like it's the last night of your life.
10. If I Die Young-- "A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I'm a goner."
* One thing most people know about me is I say exactly how I feel. Why? Because if i do die young, I don't want to have any regrets. I want my thoughts to become words to the people they are meant for. BUT there are still thoughts that If i never get out one day.. will be worth a lot to the people that they were meant for.

Well there it is. If you get anything out of this blog entry, I hope it's to live life to the fullest. Embrace it. Don't worry about what people think or say. If you want something.. Go after it. You only have one life to live. Make the most of it. Say what you need to say to the people in your life. Most of all.. Don't. Be. Scared. Take chances. If you are going after what you want.. even if it's tough.. It will be worth it in the end. Don't give up. :)

Confession-- "All human wisdom is summed up into two words-- wait and hope."

Saturday, January 8, 2011

10 Days.

A lot of things can happen in 10 days.
 It takes a single second to realize what you want or don't want, it takes a couple of minutes to make a decision, a few hours to make plans and it took about 10 days for me to see what I want in life.

I've always been a dreamer. Why not ya know? If there is something I want, I'm going to go after it whole heartedly and put all my effort into the things that matter the most to me. I honestly think anything is possible. That is why I will continue to go after what i want. My career is really important to me and I know it's going to be tough to get to the top, but that's what i want. And I can make it happen. 

Random thought #2..
How crazy is fate? In the dictionary it says this..  "the course of someone's life, or the outcome of a particular situation for someone or something, seen as beyond their control" How crazy is it to think that one particular situation could change you life? You win something, or lose something, move to a new place, go on a trip, do something crazy, drive down the wrong road, get lost, spend too much money, win too much money, or meet someone in an instant that you don't want to live without.. 

I feel like I've been so quiet tonight, just thinking about where my life will go from here.. So many thoughts, and so many unanswered questions. I guess it is all about patience. Things like this don't just happen on accident. They happen so you have the choice to choose one way or another. It's the chance to experience something new and exciting and to finally make something work. It's not going to be easy.. but I promise it will be worth it. Even if it's much to soon to tell how things will play out.. sometimes taking chances is all you can do. 

It's times like these where I want to be scared or nervous, but if I spent my whole life being scared, I would miss out on so much. This isn't something I want to miss out on.. Life is full of surprises. Don't miss out on something great.

Confession-- ..?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Years Resolution

2011 is going to be such an exciting year. Not only am i starting it off right with my best friend, but its a fresh start. After the year I've had.. a fresh start is exactly what I need. 

Gosh, there are so many things going on this year..
     I'm turning 21!! Going to Vegas!! So many friends are getting married!! Lots of traveling!! Brother is getting married to the most amazing girl!! and then I'm sure there will be plenty of unexpected things happen. Maybe i'll do a few crazy things, make some new friends, get good grades, laugh until it hurts, maybe even fall in love.. who knows. I just want to be happy and take chances. 

Inside Taylor Swift's new CD it says this..

     Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what i've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything. 
     I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say "I love you." When we should've said "Im sorry." When we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.
     Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.
     What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you'll stutter and you'll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest. 
So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it in a letter you'll never send or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices "I could've, but it's to late now."
     There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you'll know it.  

I don't think you should wait. I think you should speak now.

It's just completely perfect. And it's so true.. even if what I say is humiliating or embarrassing.. at least it won't be haunting me because I didn't open my mouth and just say what I felt. It's just so intense thinking about missing out on something perfect because I'm too scared to put myself out there. I don't want to be that girl. and I don't want to wait until the time has passed me by. It's so intimidating not being sure what other people are thinking or how they will react when you tell them what's on your mind.

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationship we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make."

confession-- a little too much wishful thinking lately..