I love driving back and forth from Stillwater. It gives me an hour to turn the music up really loud, sing my lungs out, and try and process all the thoughts swimming around in my head. As I get closer to my destination, I almost wish the drive were longer. There’s always that one thought I can’t shake, and I just need more driving time to maybe come up with the answer. The question to that answer is “How?” and if I could figure that out, the next question would be, “When?” It’s funny how just one word can make you want to blow your brains out. One positive to this thought is every time I think about it.. I catch myself smiling. Not that smiling where it’s in your head and you have a slight grin on your face. No. A full on smile.. with teeth showing. That’s a big deal. In fact, my teachers are starting to notice. They glance over and see that I’m smiling really big and I’m sure they wonder what’s going on in my head.
Tonight when I got home, I dropped my bags and sat on my bed. As I sat there all alone and in complete silence, I couldn’t help but wonder how much of my thoughts were wishful thinking or maybe.. just maybe a possibility. Anybody that knows me, knows I’m a dreamer. I’m sure some of my friends wish I would come back to reality and stay there for a while. But, where’s the fun in that? Where’s the fun in being realistic with the things you want the most? I like to believe that anything can happen because it gives me hope. I might not be the most realistic person you’ve ever meet, but I’m definitely the most hopeful. And that’s a trait I will always keep. It keeps my life fun and interesting and spontaneous.
I watched a few episodes of one of my favorite shows tonight. Not only is it one of my favorites, but it also has a few memories attached to it. As I started watching it, the funniest part came on. I started hysterically laughing out loud by myself for a good 2 minutes.. non stop. I turned to say something and realized I was alone. It was bittersweet. You weren’t there to laugh with me. For some random reason, I realized right then and there the answers to “how” and “when”. The only problem is.. I’m not the one that can answer them. I know I’m not the only one that this happens to. Everyone has questions that only someone else can answer. It kind of sucks, but that’s why we have the word “Patience”. I'm going to need you to answer though questions one day though.. just sayin
Have you ever thought about taking your last breath? I know that sounds morbid. I have never had anyone close to me die. I’m very fortunate. My parents have both had someone very close to them die and I can’t even imagine the pain. Both sets of my grandparents are still alive, which is rare these days. As I’m writing this, I have the biggest weight on my heart. Literally.. It’s kind of hard to breathe as I’m talking about taking your last breath. I found out recently my grandpa is dying. When I found out, I was mad at myself. I was mad that I haven’t spent enough time with him. When I think about it, I just sit and cry. It makes me sad, but it breaks my heart knowing that my dad has lost his dad and his step dad is dying. And my grandma is losing her second husband. I’m very good at hiding my true emotions, but I’m not prepared for this. I’m praying for a miracle.
People always ask me why I’m rushing my life. The truth is.. I want to experience as much as possible before I die. I’ve spent enough years in school. I’m ready to be done. Have a job. Live completely on my own. Get married. Have kids. Travel. Spend too much money on something I love. Some say, “The real world is not all it’s cracked up to be.” But those people aren’t dreamers. Those people don’t find joy in the storm like I do. I know I’m almost 21 and to some people that seems awfully young to start rushing everything.. but I’m not promised tomorrow. I want to take a chance on life and love. And I want someone to take a chance on me. One day someone will find my passion for life so beautiful.. and right then and there they’ll realize they can’t go one more second without me next to them. It’s the people in your life that makes everything worthwhile. So stop looking. Sometimes the people you can’t live without are the people right under your nose that you take for granted. Life is too short to look for something you already have.
Confession- I think I'll change my summer plans.. stay tuned to find out what city I end up in.
Quote- "This is your life. Do what you love and do it often. If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching tv. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop. They will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over analyzing. Life is simple. All emotions are beautiful when you eat. Appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people. We are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often, getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them. So go out and start creating. Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion."