Wednesday, December 29, 2010


"How long are you willing to pay for a choice that wasn't yours?"

Today was one of those days where every hurt feeling came rushing back and slapped me right in the face. I felt just as pathetic as ever. I know I'm a strong person, but nothing could've prepared me for December 29th, 2010. I think it was just a sign that I NEED 2011. I need a new year. I need change. 

I remembered this quote that a very remarkable person told me a few months ago. For so long I've been the one paying for someone's bad choice. I've beat myself down for something that I didn't even do. But how do you stop? When a choice affects you everyday.. how do you just stop blaming yourself? 

The road to recovery is long.. and frustrating.. but I won't turn around. I might hit speed bumps, but I'm only human.. and I can't let anyone tear me apart when I know I'm on the right road. 

Why do I ever let them affect me? Why do I always feel like a screw up? Why do I never feel good enough? I'm so tired of walking with my head down.

My fb status today is "Fake it till you make it." Wise words I was told.. and its true.. Even though I have these jacked up feelings... I can't walk around being miserable all the time because healing is a process.. and I can't keep acting like I'm a 100% better when I'm not. I know what I want, and what I deserve.. unfortunately they aren't the same thing. I'm not ready to move past this conflict until I know I can handle it. So until then.. Imma keep moving forward and one day things will be better. 

Confession-- I swallowed my pride today and gave the honest truth... You shouldn't hate me for that. In fact, you should love me for being honest and admitting that Life is rough sometimes.

There's nothing worse than being transparent with someone and them telling you to get out of the car..

God is still good.

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