Detox

     Last night I sat down with my roommates for family talk time. There has been so much going on in our lives, that we haven't had time to really fill each other in. As we were at the table, I had to make a list of everything I needed to tell them, because so much has happened lately. I began telling them what the last few weeks of my life has been like and slowly I started realizing that every random story I told was somehow intertwined with each other. Most of my stories didn't come with happy endings, so it became clear that something in my life needed readjusting. 

I have nothing to give but my honesty. That's the only thing I have when people would kill to see you hurt for just a few seconds longer. I was unaware that those few seconds would end up lasting a few years. I had become a prisoner in my own mind. I was trapped by the lies people created about me, just so they had someone to blame for THEIR mistakes. I'm a fighter. I'll fight for what I think is right, but when you fight for too long, it drains you of the only thing you have. Yourself. Somewhere along the road, I lost myself to the demons that were constantly knocking at my door. I was locked inside giving each and every one of them all the power. Then something happened. 

This is the part of the story where the princess gets saved & lives happily ever after... but no. Actually, I got hurt again. I dare say worse than ever. As i found myself on my knees trying to pick up the pieces that I had lost once again, life suddenly became a lot more clear. I was so hurt and angry that all I wanted to do was cry. I vividly remember sitting in my car, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles, trying to cry. I was saying out loud, "Just cry! Come on!" I couldn't. I didn't have a single tear left to cry over a hurt heart. So instead of picking up the pieces.. I threw them away & brushed the past off my hands. 

What God has coming in the next few chapters of my life far surpasses anything I could ever imagine. I've settled for mediocre for far too long. God's idea of perfect for my life completely dominates what I "thought" was perfect. So right now, I'm detoxifying every negative aspect that is or once was from my life. I'm not just throwing it all away. I'm burning it. Because that was yesterday, and I'm not longer than person anymore. I'm better.

I don't know where my life is going, but I do know it's going somewhere incredible. All of my wildest dreams are going to come true and not ONE of them will involve you.. or you.. or you.

Take Risks & Tell Stories

Little Girl All Grown Up

     If you asked my parents whether I'm a momma's girl or a daddy's girl.. They would probably say neither. I know they would say it's because I'm too independent for my own good. Even though I think I can take on the world by myself, there is so much i learned from them that makes me who I am today and that gives me the ability to be so confident in my future.
     My dad is the hardest working person I know. He has earned every blessing that he has been given. I appreciate him more than he will ever know. My dad rarely says no to me, unless I'm asking for something ridiculous.. or another puppy, and it isn't because he wants to spoil me. My dad just gives and gives. That's the man he is. People ask me why I never say no.. If you ask me to do you a million and one favors.. I'll probably do them all. I love how random acts of kindness can put a smile on someone's face or bring joy to their life. I'm so proud that I have that character trait from my dad.
     My mom.. oh geez.. my mom. Well, I thank God everyday that my mom is all mine. We've had such a strained relationship in the past & I'm so glad that's no longer the case. I couldn't live without my mom. She has put up with so much of my "lack of respect". We are both stronger people for it. Having her support and encouragement means more than she'll ever know.
     I've never been a girly girl. In fact, I rarely wore my hair down until the 9th grade. I played sports. I grew up with an older brother (who I sometimes thought really wished I would have been a boy). I had practice before and after school everyday for years. Boys were cute, but winning races were more important. I wouldn't have wanted anything different though. I like that I can throw a football as well as the boys. I like that I enjoy watching ESPN and actually know who most athletes are. I'd rather watch the game then go shopping. Don't get me wrong.. I love dressing up, doing my hair, and going out with the girls. I love cuddling and playing with puppies. I cry at some sappy romantic movies and actually quite enjoyed the Twilight books, but all these random quirks are what make me, me.
     Now that I'm a senior in college, what people think of me really doesn't matter. I wear nike shorts or jeans and t-shirts to class almost everyday, my hair is usually up, because who wants to look cute when you have to leave your house at 7:30 am? I'm so happy for every relationship that affected me in a positive OR negative way, because I'm right where I should be. This past year has been pretty life changing. I'm finally better instead of bitter. I'm at that point where I want to thank all the people that hurt me, because it got me to where I am today. Isn't it funny how some people smile at your failures? People are so insecure with themselves, that they don't want to see you succeed. Well to those people.. I'm succeeding and this is just the beginning. I'm just a little girl that's all grown up ready to change the world and I don't plan on stopping till I do.

Cookie Cutter

Oh ya know.. Just random thoughts. Nothing special.. Here we go..
     For so much of my life, I've tried to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I've picked out different pieces from people's style, personality, attitude and tried to piece all the parts of who I want to be together. I didn't do it for myself, I did it for everyone else. I was so consumed by what people thought of me. I was a people pleaser. Depending on who I was around, my look and personality would change. I wanted to fit in so badly.
     When I was 17, I went through a transition where everyone I was around was a cookie cutter image of each other. When I came along, I stood out like a sore thumb. I was just being me, but that wasn't accepted by anyone. It almost felt like it was discouraged to be original. I was sick of people talking trash, so I conformed. Cookie cutter. That lasted for over 3 years until I was finally "forced out" of that crowd, I guess you could say, and decided changes needed to be made. So I packed up and moved away from everything I had known for 20 years. Best. Decision. Ever. I finally got back to being myself.

Today, I was getting dressed and couldn't help but think about what makes me me. It's seriously hilarious to me that I used to care so much about what people thought, because it's very apparent now that, it's the last thing on my mind. So what makes me me..?

- My closet consists of V-necks, workout attire, tons of dresses, jeans & cardigans.. that's pretty much it.
- I know how to dress up and look cute, but most of the time you'll find me in shorts & a baseball hat.
- I really like watching sports. I grew up around guys & playing sports, so there was no time to play with dolls.. That's probably why I am the way I am. I'm proud of it.
- I have a hard exterior that I rarely let people break through, but if and when they do.. They would see I'm one of the most caring & soft people.
- I actually somewhat enjoy long distance relationships. I love the feeling of seeing someone for the first time in a long time, and having to rely on phone calls & skype to keep the love alive.. romantic.
- I'm not a people pleaser (anymore) but I thrive off making people smile & laugh.
- I only cry when I'm REALLY frustrated or when certain movies get to me.. even then.. I HATE for people to see me cry. I don't like people seeing me weak.
- I don't want to be in a relationship for kicks. If I'm going to be with someone, It's going to be for the long haul.
- I can compromise & be patient for someone who's worth it.
- I want to move. I really don't even care that much about where I move. I'm always up for anything. Easy to please.
- Passion & Spontaneity pretty much define me. If there is something in life that I want, I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. And be the best at it.
- I've been jealous of girl's shoes and their hair, but I've only ever been jealous of one girl. She's so legit it pains me. Jelly..
- I'm sarcastic like a boss. I get it from my brother.
- Speaking of my brother.. He's the one person that means more than anything to me. If a guy wants to know the way to my heart.. Be friends with my brother. & have him legit like you.
- I'm pretty witty, but most of the time.. I just enjoy laughing. If you can make me laugh.. you have my heart.
     It sounds cheesy, but If you ever feel like you don't know who you are anymore. Make a list and don't forget about all the different attributes and qualities that make you unique. No one can replace you. My friends love me because I'm unique.. If there is ever someone who doesn't fully love you for you.. Don't. Waste. Your. Time. They aren't worth it.

And that my friends is another blog post. Boom.

Watch for Falling Limbs

     I'm a big believer in Karma. When someone hurts you, you are always the one that is hurt.. not them. I seem to always be the one paying for someone else's mistakes. So much grieving and frustration and low self esteem comes from taking the fall. From now on though, whenever I get screwed over, I don't think twice about it. I know people that have gotten away with murder.. Not literally, because    

then I would be an accomplice and should be sitting in jail instead of writing this. BUT, one of my biggest pet peeves is watching people "get away with murder" and then going on with their happy, little life not having a care in the world that they affected someone's life in a wrongful way. I get so angry, because it's not fair. Life's. Not. Fair. It's not fair that Veronica cheated off your test and got a better grade. It's not fair that Kasey told lies about you to make himself look better. It's not fair that Bob across the street got Yard of the Month when he doesn't water his grass & you water everyday.. but that's life. 

     I say "That's Life" probably 5 times a day. I've finally come to the conclusion that there is NO point in getting upset about things that are out of your control. It only causes more stress in your life. If you burn your finger on a straightener.. that's life. If you stay up all night studying and fail a test.. that's life. If you skip your 8 am class and a tree falls and shatters your window.. that's life. You can't dwell on people or situations that will cause harm to your present and future. Learn to be happy with your fate. Be happy with the ups and downs, because at least you are alive to experience both the good and the bad. 

     Living with my best friends/roommates is definitely a highlight of my life. It feels good coming home to people that you know will always be there. It's only been a few weeks that we've meshed four lives together into the big blue house on the corner, but it's already been an adventure. Decorating the house, Filling ice trays, dinner party w/ our fav guys, playing hanging with friends right next to each other, curling our hair, shaking piggy banks filled with coins, late night laughs, being grateful for our normalcy after watching Bachelor Pad, killing spiders, and fitting school in there throughout the week. And it's only been 14 days. I've already learned so much from these 3 little cuddle bears and I wouldn't trade them for mac & cheese and an ice cream cone. 

     It's been thirty five days. 35 days of waking up every morning feeling motivated. 840 hours of self discipline & 50,400 minutes of feeling better about my life. 35 days ago, I decided to stop making excuses and get in better shape for my brother's wedding this weekend. Never did I ever imagine, so much would change in that amount of time. Not only do I look and feel better, but I'm so motivated to keep going and keep meeting goals that have been written down in an old spiral notebook for many years. Enough about that..

     Two and a half months till my next goal has to be met and I couldn't be more excited to complete it. I'll finally be able to hold my head up high and feel confident about all the decisions that have been made over the past few years. Nothing excites me more than to know I'm right where I should be doing exactly what God has for me. That doesn't mean deer won't run out in front of the road, or the water won't turn off before class when you haven't taken a shower in 2 days, it just means that you can look at any situation and be happy that life is not even more of a challenge. Anytime you want to complain, don't. It's not hurting anyone but yourself. Next time you find a spider in the shower, at least you have a shower. Next time you get bad grades, at least you are able to go to school... Get over crappy situations and be thankful God is strong enough to get you through it. Food for thought. 

I'm not the person to write all my feelings online, because I'm scared to say it to someone's face. The people closest to me know that nothing out of my mouth is a lie. I'll give you 100% honesty. I will tell you the truth whatever the cost. How will someone ever know how you feel, if you lie about it? I write because I want to, because I can. If you don't like what I have to say.. Why are you reading this? 

Take Risks.

Tell Stories.

     

     

Watch Your Toes

     Back in June, I had to write a paper over a news story that captures a current event or issue happening in today’s society. After we posted our story to the discussion wall, we had to comment on 7 other people’s story. I logged in today to respond to different stories, and was overwhelmingly surprised that I had the most comments posted about my story. As I started reading every response, not only did every person agree with me, they made my opinion towards the issue even stronger. The issue I wrote about was the importance of marriage and how celebrities’ actions toward marriage are affecting the younger generation. Reading everyone’s posts got me so worked up, that I just decided to blog about it.

     One of my biggest pet peeves is watching people treat love and marriage like it’s a joke. It blows my mind how celebrities will get married after 4 months of knowing each other and then divorce within a few years or less. Or the fact that celebs think it’s okay to cheat on their spouse. Their actions have a huge impact on the younger crowd, because teens look up to celebs and want to be like them, so they see the type of things they are doing and think those actions are acceptable. Wrong. Now I’m not blaming celebs for everything, because I have watched many people I know rush into things and then they are surprised when it doesn’t work out. My question..

WHAT’S THE RUSH?

     It takes a lifetime to get to know everything about someone. My dad even told a story the other day to my mom, and she never knew that about him and they have been married 30 years. If you love someone, and they love you.. you owe it to each other to learn the ins and outs of that person. That way when you get married, something doesn’t surprised you, and you decide you want out. That’s immature. Because not only will you both suffer, if issues carry over into when you have children, then you are just asking for your children to be unhappy. Not to mention, if your other half really loves you, they aren’t going to bolt if you decide you want to take it slow and be in a long relationship before taking that next step. 

     I really don’t care if this steps on people’s toes, because I’m not trying to upset anyone. If anything, I hope people will stop and realize what I’m saying is right. I fully support marriage, but it’s a lifelong commitment. If you plan on spending your entire life with the same person, then make sure they are the right one before jumping into something so serious. Do it for all the right reasons, or don't do it at all. 

     I’m only 21, and after a year of a lot of learning, I would be 100% happy to wait till I am older to get married. I see so many of my friends getting married, and I am overjoyed for them. Especially when I have seen their relationships play out over the past several years and seen the happiness they share.  But not once have I felt pressured to “catch up” to everyone. I’ve never been happier. There are too many things I want to do before I settle down. I wouldn’t want my life any other way, but I know the next relationship I get into, I’ll take it slow and make sure someone is crazy in love with me and will stay that way for the rest of my life. It’s worth it to me to take a relationship slow, to make sure I’ll be spending 60+ years with someone that isn’t ever going to fall out of love or have seconds thoughts about us. Just be mature and take it seriously. It's a big deal people. Take the time to find the absolute best for yourself.

“Maturity is achieved when a person postpones immediate pleasures for long-term values.”

Two Points Higher

It's very possible this could be my most personal blog post. I wrote it a month ago today and just stared at the words for the longest time. I finally decided to post it...

I seem to always be criticizing myself. I know that stems from a few different reasons. Always needing to please my parents, having people tell me I wasn’t good enough, and wanting to be the best in swimming and in school, but I didn't realize how much I criticize myself until a friend asked me the other day why I couldn’t take a compliment. That question has been floating around in my mind for the past month. Maybe I can’t take a compliment because I always feel like I’m not the best I could be? But I get that unsettled feeling every single time someone compliments me. It’s hard for me to even say thank you, because by saying thank you I’m accepting the compliment, and I rarely believe the nice things people say about me.

The truth is. I love myself. There will always be a few things I’ll want to improve on, but my own issues of not feeling good enough should not affect who I actually am as a person. I guess some people would think I have two different personalities. One, that is insecure and one that is overly confident. I think my confidence comes from trying to tell myself I belong, and I’m just as good as the person standing next to me. I know sometimes it comes off cocky. I just haven't been able to find that happy medium yet.

I constantly find myself standing in front of a mirror. (I’m a girl obviously, so this isn’t weird) But, I’m not necessarily staring at my outward appearance. I’m just staring at myself. Questioning what I need to fix, or what I could do better. It doesn't help that so many guys put way too much emphasis on a girl's outward appearance. I'm confident, but I'm not unrealistic.. I'm pretty, but I'm not Heidi Klum. I'm perfectly okay with that. Looks fade. I'd rather wake up next to someone who makes me laugh and who I always have the best time with, rather than be with someone that's a supermodel but dumb as a rock.  My confidence has definitely improved this year. Putting myself out there, telling people exactly what I have wanted to say for so long, meeting new people, dancing with random strangers.. stepping out of the corner and letting my personality shine through. In all reality, I have no reason not to take a compliment. What I’ve learned over this past year, is how confident I really am, just being by myself. I’m not average at all. Call it cocky, call it whatever you want.. but EVERY single person evaluates their good and bad qualities.. I just happen to do it where everyone can read it. 

 I’m an awesome person. I have a list of dreams a mile long, loads of potential, a loud laugh that goes on forever, a positive attitude, the best family and friends a girl could have, and a smile that is always on my face. I’m quirky. I’m super witty, always making people laugh, I never give up on something I truly want. I always speak my mind and tell the truth. A heart that is as big as the ocean, ears that are always there to listen, a voice that is always willing to give advice, a little bit of charm in my blue eyes, always putting others first.. I don’t need a guy to be the girl I already am. In fact, one day, someone will come along and appreciate every little detail about me. And when he finds me, I’ll be glad I actually know WHO I am. God has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. I know He is going to continue blessing me. I wish everyone that reads this would take a step back and evaluate their confidence. Everyone has amazing qualities. Don’t criticize the beautiful things that make you, you. Embrace them.

Quote:: "Life doesn't give you the people you want. It gives you the people you need. To help you. To hurt you. To love you. And to make you into the person you were meant to be."

Confession:: You were never supposed to mean this much.. Just something about you.. can't quite figure it out.

Timing Is Everything

I had such a great weekend. I can't even describe how happy I am to have certain people in my life. I felt so much peace, like I was right where i belonged. I didn't have an ounce of bitterness when I was home. I wasn't anxious or frustrated, because that is MY TOWN! I've lived there my whole life. I was driving back to school and I heard "My Town" by Montgomery Gentry-- and I just felt so in love with my life. I don't ever want to get to the point where I dread coming home.. never again. I’m turning 21 in a few short days and thinking about my birthday causes me to reflect over what my life was like at 20.

A year ago today, my life changed drastically.  My world was turned upside down and I was really unsure of who I was at that point. I questioned every relationship I had. My relationship with God. My relationship with friends. Everything. I questioned who I was as a person. I questioned whether or not I deserved all the.. “bad luck” as you could say that I was getting. I was alone and just broken. One thing's for sure, I couldn't keep living like that. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about quitting school and just quit caring about everything. I had so much hurt in my life, the only thing that could fix it was turning to God. So I did. I left everything I had ever known and ended up finding more happiness than I ever thought was possible.

A year ago today... I wasn't even sure what love was. How sad is that? To not believe in the one thing that makes life SOO beautiful. I found myself being bitter and then at times not caring at all. But a few months ago I decided something needed to change. I prayed like crazy. I said “okay God. I’m ready to trust that you have a plan." You wouldn’t believe what prayer does. I don’t care what your religious views are. There is power in prayer friends. I’ve prayed about my future ever since that day multiple times a day. God knows the desires of my heart.. and he is going to fulfill his promises more than I can even imagine.

When I look back on a year ago today, I thank God for my unanswered prayers. I thank God for removing me from the bad situation I was in. I have NO regrets on the decisions I’ve made the past 365 days, because every single one of those days, I learned something about myself.

TODAY—I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I have a great family that has been blessed beyond belief. I have a bright and awesome future. I am the happiest I’ve ever been. And all the other great things in my life that I’m unsure about.. I have to be patient and trust that God has a plan. I can definitely say.. I have never felt so sure about anything in my life though. It feels good to have a positive outlook on life. Picture This:: The best way to describe it is I'm just so excited and I'm trying to run and God is holding on to the back of my shirt saying “HOLD ON WOMAN. YOU CAN HAVE IT BUT WAIT TILL I SAY GO!” 

 Yes.. I want to get married sooner rather than later, but I want God’s hand on the relationship every step of the way or I don’t want it at all. I’m sick of being unintentional. Pray about it people. It doesn’t matter if you are confused.. I’m confused like none other, but I know that God has me going down this path for a reason. I just need to let things fall into place in GOD’S TIMING. Once you let go and let God, you’ll be amazed at what will happen in your life.

Must listen to songs:: "Wait for Me"- Rebecca St. James & "Timing is Everything"- Trace Adkins

Quote:: "If you really want something, don't be so impatient. Relax and wait for the right timing. Remember, No matter how many times you push the elevator button, It will not run any faster until it gets to the right floor."